From what you've described, it sounds like your child is craving for connections in the evening. We all want to nurture and be nurtured, and connection can be a strong motivator for your children's behaviours. A way to help that is to reverse the "connection-environment" by making it connection-rich during the day i.e. lots of praises, rewards, physical touch, 1-to-1 child-led play and minimising connections after bedtime.

 

You could try the following:

• Have a discussion about having a bed time that your family has agreed on. You could say that children need to sleep at a certain time so they can have enough energy the next day to play.  Try to phrase things in what they can do, as opposed to what they shouldn't do.  Example would be, "stay in your bed until X time" instead of "don't come out of your room". That way, you are telling them specifically the behaviour that you expect from them. You could use a gro clock to help the child know when it's time and give warnings beforehand.

• You may also express that you understand your child misses you, want to be with you, it is hard to stay in bed but you're there to help them. This validation of your child's emotions and emotional needs is important in teaching your child emotional regulation.  By describing your child's feelings and saying it back to them, helps them know that you understand how they feel, and that minimises their need to express their need to you with their behaviour.  Afterall, behaviour is just their way of communicating to you.

• Introduce a reward system: explain that the child will get a reward for staying in bed all night. Invite child to choose from a limited number of rewards you are comfortable giving. e.g. their favourite fruit with their breakfast as well as stamps/stickers. Explain to the child that if they stay in bed until X time, they can get the reward the next day. If child comes out at night, explain the next day that they won't be getting the reward but you trust that they will try again tomorrow and you are confident that they will be able to do it. Reward system is more effective if you can change the rewards frequently, that way, otherwise the novelty can wear off.  Listen to what your child may really like (rather than what you think they like) and use them as rewards. Furthermore, rewards are most effective if they are given immediately and consistently.  If it's something you can't give right away, then pair it up with things you can.  You may also have multiple rewards such as stamps, verbal praises, stickers.  To help the reward system work long term, think about rewarding each night as well as consecutive nights of staying in bed to earn a "bigger" reward. Depending on the current status, you may start with rewarding 2 consecutive nights to earn a bigger reward and then gradually build that up.  Once you've seen some consistent behaviour change, continue with the reward chart for a while longer to help the behaviour stick.

• Winding down. Following a good bedtime routine, allow time for winding down before bed and ensure that there are no screens as light can switch off melatonin production in the brain (chemical that makes us sleepy). If child is not sleepy, allow them to engage in quiet activities such as quiet play, talking/singing to soft toys, books, audiobooks, soothing music.

• Reverse the connection environment: minimise connection when they come out and give connection for staying in bed.  If child comes out then return them to bed with no discussion/scolding and make it as boring as possible. Ignore them if you can. Depending on what you're comfortable with, you may also agree to check-in with your child after 10 minutes (or increments of X minutes) if they do not call out/come out of bed.  When checking in, make it brief and offer a praise/physical touch then leave. Or you may use the moving chair technique, which is another gradual fading technique. 

• Setting limits: your child is going through an important brain development phase of independence and autonomy. You could embrace that by allowing your child to have a special pass which they can use once each night. Once they've used it, they can no longer come out, so ask them to choose wisely.

 

Key thing is consistency. Whatever method you choose, be sure to be as consistent with it as possible. If you choose to let them cry a little or use gradual fading technique, it's important to stick with it. A habit has been created and in order to break the habit, it'll take some time to reverse it.  Expect an escalation of behaviour when you introduce change to break the cycle and stay strong because as soon as you give connection/attention to undesirable behaviour, you're inadvertently sending them a message that if they yell louder/cry longer/bang harder, mum will come in and that would reverse all your hard work.  And they'll go straight to using that escalated behaviour because they think that's the technique that'll work.